I'm getting married tomorrow...I am. I really truly am.

I am nervous. I am terrified. I am excited. I can't wait.

Wish me luck!

Heartbreak

Many things have happened since I last wrote. I don't want to get intoany of it. I just want comfort. I want to know that I'm not alone.

I've moved out of my house into a flat by myself. My parents are furious with me though my dad is trying.

Today, my dad rang to tell me my mother was in hospital and it was my fault. He proceeded to say a lot. He wouldn't tell me what was wrong with her for a very long time, though I kept begging him. He finally said she was ok. But he'd tell me tomorrow how she was.

I was distraught when I hung up. Mum was ill. I was shocked. But Mr X made things worse. He started ranting about how he thought my mum would fake a heart attack just to spite me. That he'd warned his parents she'd do something like this. I kept telling him she was ill and it had nohting to do with this - and for gods sake, she wouldnt. Not the hospital. She hates hospitals. She hates doctors - spends as little time going to them as possible. She's genuinely ill.

Didn't stop him. He ranted. Told me he was oging to call his parents and tell them what she'd done. It was like...I was distraught. Kept begging him to be quiet. That she was ill and he wouldn't stop. He just wouldn't stop. I wakled out although it's late and it's dangerous for me to go home. Didn't stop him from telling me fine. I was distraught, in fits, and he told me fine. Didn't try to comfort me or understand. I know he hates my parents, but I thought he loved me more.

I spent a while outside before coming inside. I threw up. I'm a mess right now. I feel so alone. I have no support. No-one to comfort me. No-one to hold me. I can't sleep. I can't stop crying. I'm distraught.

My life is a mess. I wish it was me in that hospital. Not her. They all hate me now. They hate Mr X and blame him for everything. TheythinkI've lost my mind. I'm depressed. I'm .... I've only just started eating again. I just threw up my dinner.

I'm in such a state. I've lost everyone now.

so..

Things are moving fast. I know that what is happening is what needs to happen but I wish that I didn't have to do it. I'm terrified of their reactions. I know it's going to break their hearts. And mine. But truth is I can't live like this. Everyone I've spoken to thinks it's been going on long enough. That I'm doing the right thing, and I know their right. It's just that it's hard. I wanted to have time to tell them. I didn't want to do such a rushed job of it. Last week I would've moved out. The problem is that they deviate. From anger to pleading to lets forget about it. It's the lets forget about it which is the hardest to deal with - either that or the pleading. Because they go back to the way things were or try to and thats when I see my parents resurface - the ones I thought wouldn't let me down.

How can parents do this? I'd rather they didn't speak to me at all to this. This is worse. It's painful. I'm angry at myself. I'm angry at them. Or maybe I'm just unhappy. I know I'm stressed. I'm struggling with food at the moment. The thought of it makes me sick. I've almost stopped eating now. I have to force myself to eat atleast once a day - and have to go and find somethign that I can stomache - so something that tempts me such as an ice cream or a wrap that I've always loved. So atleast I eat once a day. My parents know this - they're deviating between telling me of for showing my anger this way to worrying that I'll fall sick. They suspect I may be eating outside to make a show of not eating in front of them. Well I think they did think that - but I don't know.

Tired of this. I want them to be angry at me. To be upset with me when I tell them. It'd make me feel better for what I'm doing than if they were acting normal. I'd feel guilty then. I've always thought I'd make a good Catholic, what with all the guilt feeling.

..

So the arguments continue. Went on this morning. I went into the office all upset. When I said I was going to arrange a wedding date with Mr X, they got extremely upset because it bought home how real everything was. They said then that everything is happening too soon. That I needed to give things time. That I should perhaps take a year away from him and see how I felt. See if I felt the same way and he felt the same way about me. Only then should I go forward.

Part of wants to do this for their sake - give them more time, but the question is whats not to say they'd react the same way then? Chances are they'd claim as they have now, it's not enough time, and I need to give them more time. They want time to dissuade me from the idea.

My brother spent the car trip from picking me up yelling at me. Telling me that I should consider everyone else. That I should give it two years then take it from there. Not talk about it and leave it be then deal with it later. Why? Why leave everyone in this limbo. I get what he's saying, but the problem is they don't want to meet him. Will they really change their mind?

I know that I've done things wrongly in this. I should've told them in December about him. I really should have. In a way, I've mishandled the situation. Mind you - so have they. They should never have done such a straight no. I should never lose my cool. This is all so bad. I hate seeing them this way. Whats worse is they see it that if I leave, I don't care about them. So black and white. No grey.

Parents are such difficult creatures.

It's hit the fan..

So. Mr's X mum called my parents yesterday to talk to them. It did not go well to put it mildly. My mother said she had never felt so insulted in her entire life. She misinterpreted everything his mum said to mean 'Mind your own business' rather than the true meaning which was 'Listen to your daughter'. Of course she was so upset that my parents demanded that I sit down and tell them my decision. So of course I sat down, got shouted at for a while and told how this relationship would not work, and how aggressive Mr X's mum was and how it wasn't feasible. Then asked my position. My response was 'I want to marry him'. The proverbial shit then hit the proverbial fan. I got shouted at. My parents both told me I was disowned, and the moment I walked out on the family was it - I could never return. They wanted no contact from me whatsoever. My dad said I was now a lodger in the family home.

Unsurprisingly, I was rather upset. I went to the park to get out of the house - when I went to my room, mum followed me and wanted to pursue the argument. It wasn't what I wanted. So I left the house for fresh air. Spent about two hours outside. Talked to Mr X and another friend of mine just to calm down. We talked about me moving out today. My brother followed me to the park and tried to persuade me that marrying Mr X was a wrong move. I decided to go home after that - the peacefulness of the park had been ruined.

Went home. No-one talked to me. Went to sleep without dinner - wasn't hungry and would've thrown up had I eaten anything. My parents of course brought me food and left it for me, but I just couldn't eat. Woke up today with a headache and felt dizzy. My blood pressure of course is high unsurprisingly.

My dad tested it and told me that I needed to calm down. Of course(!) He tried once more to dissuade me from my decision. I've made the decision and yet they still question it. I can't move out today because Iwant to move out everything at once. At the same time they continually question my decision though I told them last night. They won't realise how sure I am until I move out. Question is how do I do this? I could call Mr X and get him to confirm when we could get married - and then tell them that. Then tell them I need t omove out before then. See what they say.

Difficult this is. I'm heartbroken. So stressed. So tired. So fed up.

...

Ok so I spoke too soon. They finally admitted that a letter had come. This was after spending about half an hour sitting down talking to me 'being transparant'. My father came out with the fact that he thought I was taking everyone for a hike - whiling away my time, saving up money before I legged it out of here. Goes to show how much they know me. I'm still at home because I'm hoping they'll change their mind. Lets say the conversation wasn't pleasant. I know that I need to tell them the proper truth - that I've made my decision, but they've made their view on that perfectly clear. So now what? The letter has just sped up matters. I'm going to have to give my answer to them soon - they're asking for it. This is what I wanted...but not quite in this way. I wanted them to meet Mr X and his family and decide that they really are good people and I am with good people. He admits the letter was nice and they seem good people. However, different backgrounds makes it hard for him to say 'yes'. How hard is it for me to admit to people that my own family are biased. I know this to be the truth given their attitude. I know why it is the case. It's still hard to see them react like this. I hadn't wanted it this way. Not sure what's going to happen now. I'll tell them my decision next time they press me for it. Then go and see what happens. Why do they make it so hard? Times like these - I wish I'd moved out at 18. Would've made life so much more easier for me.

grrrr

So, in dispair Mr X and I accepted an offer from his parents to write a letter to mine asking to meet and discuss things further. It was with the faint hope that they would accept the invitation and we could have them won over by Mr X's parents who can be very persuasive. However, we also were aware that my parents could react a number of ways so note this was only a faint hope. Unsurprisingly, they reacted pretty much as I expected them to. They kept quiet about the letter not knowing that I knew about it. Instead, they demanded to know what I was doing about Mr X and demanded I make a decision quickly. Apparently all this hanging around isn't doing Mr X, myself, themselves, Mr X's parents any good. However, didn't explain why they were suddenly think about his parents' welfare. I got shouted at again yesterday. Explained to once more that this marriage will not work as there are just too many differences. That my parents strongly disapprove, and if I were to choose to go ahead, they would no longer be a part of my life. Nice eh? They then proceeded to poke around asking if I had told Mr X about the boy I was meant to meet (i.e. why did that letter show up now without of course telling me about it..). Ironically, I hadn't told Mr X about the boy, until later. His parents had already written the letter and hadn't been aware of the latest developments. So it made me want to laugh that they were so suspicious.

They are of course horrified when I indicated that Mr X knows why they disapprove of this marriage. They think that I shouldn't have been so honest. That I should just say that they disapprove and leave it at that. They believe strongly that in a future argument, this will all be thrown back at me. How little do they know of us. How little do they understand human nature. Yes when people anger, they throw out what they can to hurt the other person. But what they also are saying is to keep the fundamentals of what is going on a secret. This affects his life too yet they want me to keep quiet. Apparently being called a liar would be better. The basis of any relationship such as this is truth, honesty and openess. Hiding and lying is not a good foundation for any long term relationship and I sometimes wonder if they realise that.

I pointed out that they were being offensive by insinnuating so much of a boy they had never met. Of implying he would walk out and generally being insulting. My mother threw out that talking of respect - I obviously showed no respect for them by keeping this a secret. Maybe that is true. Truth is though they would've reacted the same way had I told them about this all those years ago. So I just chose to have an affair and keep quiet about it. The affair turned into a long term relationship, and my feelings turned to love. I told them about it. I tried to seek their approval. To try to introduce them yet they rejected each offer.

They talk about me being selfish and wanting this for myself. For not considering the rest of the family. My question is why? Every time I try to explain this, I am shouted down so I can only ask this on this blog. My parents would never deem to answer me this fundamental question. Why am I being selfish? This is my life that I am living. At the end of the day, when everyone is gone, there will only be me and my decisions. My parents have raised me. They have protected me - over protected to be honest but that is fine. They do not want me to marry him because they feel I am making a mistake. They are saying I am being selfish and not thinking about the rest of the family. Yet are they not being selfish? They do not want me to do this because he is not of the same culture. Yet they know how I feel. An 'emotional involvement' my father calls it. Yet that is enough. There is more than just emotion involved. He is my best friend. When I need to talk to someone, it is he I turn to. He comforts me. We have much in common. Our beliefs and ideology are similar. We laugh at similar things. He is more mature in certain areas, and I in others. We love each other for our similarities and our differences. We respect each other. What else is required for a marriage? We know there will be heartache. We know that we will do the best. This is what they want me to sacrifice. They do not understand that for a long time I was unhappy. Then I met Mr X and he gave me the world. He has made me alive over the past few years. Not them - Him.

Why do they not understand that I may be selfish, but so are they. They are selfish because they want me to marry within my culture. Yet what is that culture? It is different to their own - that is the fundamental truth they miss. They are being selfish in asking this of me without attempting to understand what this is. Had I been in their shoes, I would've sought to meet the boy and his family. I would've sought to be a part of their lives to try to make the best of this. If I had thought it a mistake, I would've still sought to understand before advising. At the end of the day a child is a child. No matter their decisions. You shouldn't react because they want something of their own. You should not be threatening them. You should just try to continue being a part of their life. That is what hurts the most. They choose to dictate rather than understand.

They do not know or realise that I have made my decision. I choose only to remain because I want them to change theirs. My heart is broken by their stand and I wish they would change it. I had hoped against hope that this letter would've changed it. I had put my faith in it though I knew it wouldn't work. So now it has failed. Now what? I do not know. I wish to know but I don't. Parents are hard work. I wish things were different.

But wishes is like praying. Read that as you will. For those of you who know me, you know my interpretation of that line.